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Official Kirkus Review of The Gyre Mission or Who Do I Blow To Show My Thanks?

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You tell yourself that whatever they say it doesn’t matter; whomever they assigned to read your book just didn’t ‘get’ it. Fuck ‘em. Who are they to judge my talent?
‘They’ of course, is Kirkus Indie Reviews. You pay them $$$ and they’ll give you an unbiased opinion of your novel. Don’t like it? No problem, they’ll bury it as if it never happened. Find a line in there that you can use? Example: ‘Although it seems as if the author sincerely tried, this isn’t the most interesting book I’ve ever read.’ Translates into: ‘…most interesting…’ All you have to do is agree to it being published on their site and you can use some or all of it.
So, with baited breath, I awaited my fate. I wrote the review in my head many times. Sometimes it was fair, other times it slandered me, my book and my mother in one fell swoop. I was simultaneously anxious/enraged. ‘No one gets me!’ I’d rage to myself. ‘No one understands!’
And then one day it came, my review from Kirkus. I didn’t have the guts to look at it for a couple of days, certain that I was going to be enraged. One morning, after a refreshing night of sleep plagued by myriad nightmares, I thought ‘to hell with it, let’s get this over with.’ I clicked on the link, opened it, read it very slowly…
And found out it was GREAT! The reviewer not only ‘got’ it, they really must have enjoyed it as well. I danced around my trailer like a man who owned the world, swinging my arms in the air, shaking my fist, yelling ‘I told you mother fuckers! I told you!’ I was simply bursting out of my skin. The tag line they gave me at the end to use is: ‘A visually engaging, irrefutably intoxicating adventure.’ They compared me to H.P. Lovecraft, said my writing had the ability to make even the most steadfast readers squirm. For the whole thing go to this link: https://www.kirkusreviews.com/book-reviews/edgar-swamp/the-gyre-mission-journey-to-the-sshole-of-the-worl/ and see for yourself that the reviewers at Kirkus are absolutely the best at what they do! Thanks guys (and gals)! You really made my day even if it doesn’t help me sell a single copy and I’m sucking cock for crack money behind the Greyhound bus terminal on 55th (right behind the dumpster, you can’t miss me. I’ll bring my own chapstick). Peace!

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