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Category Archives: wealthy people

Let’s Burn This Motherf*cker Down (The death of America)

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I find that as the months pass I continue to disregard this blogs original intention, which was true stories of my pet sitting follies. Those pet sitting days are long behind me now, and so I will have to strive to make this blog more entertaining, will have to produce content that is fresh and exciting. How? Good question, but here goes…let’s start with capitalism, shall we?
I believe the infrastructure of this country is being ripped apart, that rampant consumerism drives all our desires and as individuals we are no longer anything more than a statistic, a ‘key demographic’ to some advertising agency’s bottom line. We are faceless numbers who can be pushed and swayed and brainwashed to buy crap we don’t need to fill that infinite hole in our lives created by fear, boredom, rejection, etc. We buy our children the latest toy (some absurd plush creature that appears just before holidays to rampantly devour our paychecks), rush out to see the trendy blockbuster movies with the brainless star and starlet, and the burning question that rings through our minds like good, obedient robots is: “What does the fox say?” Mindless jingles, shallow beliefs, blind greed…the American Way. Cynical enough for you? I’m just getting started!
And the joke that we, the American people, are on the international stage because of the idiots we’ve elected to lead us surely compounds our no doubt less than stellar approval rating worldwide. We make fun of the Germans for their fetishistic ‘poop porn’ and that whole ‘Nazi Thing’ when we should shut our yaps and realize we Americans live in a shrink-wrapped, disposable, would-you-like-fries-with-that world. Who the hell are we to judge? In the background I can hear Homer Simpson chanting “USA! USA! USA!”
How many other countries can boast that their government has shut down (shut down for Christ’s sake! CLOSED FOR BUSINESS!) more than three times in the last two years? You think Sweden has that problem? Canada? Mexico? (Okay, they are probably taking a decades long siesta, but you know what I mean). The heavy hitters in charge of running this place simply decided they weren’t being paid enough to show up every day so they figured they’d take a long lunch, put a Gone Fishin’ sign up and take a stroll through Washington’s red light district in search of a little relief on the taxpayers dime. And why not? Who are we, the honest (well, sort of) middle class to question what somebody who makes six figures does? Where schoolteachers are paid less than a quarter of what a congressman makes in a year (I believe the children are the future, teach them well and let them exploit each other). Did you know senators and congressman get a six-figure salary for life after they retire and in Wisconsin Governor Scott ‘Ass-Breath’ Walker wants to take away firemen and police officers pensions after they so generously gave the better part of their lives to ensure their community’s safety on a salary that is deplorable at best? You bet your ass he does! And the thing is it will probably happen!
(Note to any potential readers: I am deliberately making inflammatory statements to rile people up. Send hate letters to p.o. box eat my fucking shit, fuck you, Pennsyl-fucking-vania).
Yes, we live in a country that is becoming the modern equivalent of Ancient Rome. This government cannot continue to work like this; mark my words we will fall. To quote Jim Morrison: ‘I just want to get my kicks before the whole shithouse goes up in flames.’ Truer words were never spoken. Here is my advice: 1) buy a lot of guns, 2) start growing weed and 3) tell everyone to kiss your ass. Thank you, thank you very much, I’ll be here performing for you all week…

 
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Posted by on October 26, 2013 in ads, douchebags, wealthy people

 

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Welcome To Southern California; Love It Or Leave It Douchebags!

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I moved to San Diego from the Midwest a decade ago, and I still can’t get over some of the things I’ve experienced over the years. I live north of SD, in the burbs, and up here the folks are very well off. Let’s put it this way: up here, you’re either rich or you’re poor, poor being anyone who makes less than $40,000 a year. Anyone who makes a pitiable $35,000 is eligible for heat assistance! So you are either rich or you work for the rich people. I suppose it could be worse. By working for them I was able to write my debut novel The Gyre Mission: Journey to the *sshole of the World. Yet with money there is a natural breakdown of what ‘normal’ folks would call civilized behavior. These wealthy douchebags own leased Beamers, Mercedes, Porches, Audi’s, Corvettes, Hummer’s etc. and drive like they own the road and they’ve written the traffic laws themselves. Red lights? Pish-posh. Speed limits? Not here my friend. I’ve lived all over the U.S. and I’ve never seen so many effed-up auto wrecks in my life. Seriously! You know those cars chases in Hollywood movies that seem so unrealistic? Well, they get all their ideas by watching these buttholes drive. First month I was here I saw a woman drive her car off of a twelve-foot embankment and land upside down in a (fortunately) low-tide lagoon. What happened next? People stopped their cars, got out…and took pictures with their phones! I think I’m the only one who called 911. Honestly, one morning I’m driving along El Camino Real and I see a waterspout gushing a hundred feet in the air. Some dillhole took out a fire hydrant! Every morning on Interstate 5 there is a major, five-car pile-up in which at least three people are seriously hurt. How could this happen? Well cheese and crackers it don’t take a genius to know that you gotta let off the gas and use the brake once in a while. I could go on and on but what the hell would it matter…
And where else could I start and profitably maintain a pet sitting/dog walking business in which the majority of my clients treat their pets better than children in third world countries? While little kids with bloated stomachs are eating grubs and being swarmed by flies in some faraway craphole, I’m opening up can after can of cat food for some overweight feline who can’t decide if he wants the tuna or the salmon delight. He’ll then eat half (or a third) and I’ll throw the rest away, thinking about all the hungry kitties in China. The gardeners and the cleaning ladies who commute from Tijuana just can’t get over the fact that my clients and I make such a fuss when one of the spoiled pets has the runs or vomits and is rushed off to the veterinarian. Hell, in their country, the dogs are covered in ticks and fleas and are walking around half-starved, eating out of garbage cans. They’re lucky if they can bring their freakin’ children to the doctor if they’ve been throwing up or have diarrhea, much less their pets.
As an example: I was walking a dog that had been attacked by another dog and suffered severe nerve damage in one rear leg. Hence, when she walked she dragged the limb (until her owners got her a brace). A gardener I walked by commiserated. He said: “Is broken, yes?”
I tried to explain that it was nerve damage but we had a language barrier. No matter what I said, he didn’t understand. So finally I agreed. “Yeah, it’s broken.”
“You get splint,” he advised and I nodded, nodded as I slowly backed away from him. But I understood full well how he thought: in Tijuana their dogs would walk around with broken legs and no one would give it a second thought. Eventually the limb would become necrotic or septic or succumb to gangrene and would need to be amputated. In most cases the dog would simply be put down. He probably thought he was being really kind, offering me the advice. And he was, in his own way. Should I have been angered that he thought I was so stupid I’d let my dog walk around on a broken leg? No, there’s no point. I actually had a client (a white couple) who did just that. Their cat broke a limb and the night before I showed up to pet sit they called me and told me Junior had a limp but it was nothing to worry about. Yeah, it was broken, had been for two weeks. Yes, it was necrotic. Yes, it had to be amputated. These people were white and rich and incredibly stupid. Sh*t happens.
So come on out to sunny Southern California! If you make less than $50,000 a year there’s a good trailer park I’ll point you in the direction of, and places where you can get food stamps and discount clothing. Don’t worry that a gallon of milk is $9.00 or gas is $6.66 for regular unleaded. You got the sun, the beach, and the palm trees. Find yourself in California my friends!

 

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