I have tried so many different things for this blog and found it to be very hit or miss. People want information, facts, stats; they want to learn how to do something they don’t have the foggiest notion about. ‘Write what you know’ is what ‘they’ always say. So in that spirit I am going to dedicate this blog to something everyone will need to know at some point in his or her life for various different reasons. Some might have an ‘altercation’ with a prostitute in Vegas, while others may simply need to get rid of a pesky neighbor or ‘loved’ one. So here it is, the definitive guide on How To Get Rid of a Body (after you killed them).
1) Don’t panic. You’ve already committed the crime so the best thing to do is own it. Do you want to get caught and spend the rest of your life getting ass-fucked by a man named Bubba? No, you certainly don’t. So take a deep breath and relax (or that is what Bubba will be telling you right before he…yeah, I didn’t want to finish that sentence either).
2) Check the blood spatter. How far did it go? Remember, a CSI team is going to be tearing your place apart in the next few days so the better you clean up, the better chance you have.
3) Use the best trash bags on the market. Most likely you’re going to have to dismember the body in your bathtub so you can get rid of pieces instead of the entire corpse. The last thing you need is a cheap bag tearing and spilling all over your front sidewalk, alerting your neighbors or that bratty kid who cuts your lawn, the little punk. (Note to self: he’s next!).
4) Always use the correct acid for dissolving bodies. If you get your information from TV, you might want to double-check your facts. Hydrofluoric acid may have been used on Breaking Bad to melt a corpse, but in real life that won’t work. You’ll need something stronger, like sulfuric or hydrochloric acid but if you want you can place the body in a vat consisting of boiling water and lye, just don’t expect all the bones to dissolve. You may have some pieces left over to bury, which leads us to:
5) Bury the body DEEP. If you don’t feel like melting a body in your tub and you can safely get the body somewhere secluded, make sure you dig the hole at least six feet. That will keep animals from digging it up. Shallow graves are cool to joke about but that’s how people get caught!
6) Don’t tell anyone! I know that sounds sort of obvious but most people can’t keep something like this to themselves. They just have to brag! So, if you don’t want to be swapping stories in the prison yard with other felons, just shut yer yap and be glad that you got away with it. One less asshole in your life making you miserable is a whole lot better than nothing!
And so my friends, those are the basics of body removal. There are other steps that may be involved; it all depends upon your situation, each one unique unto itself. Different murders require different methods. In my next blog we’ll discuss useful murder techniques, from stabbing to shooting to bludgeoning it will all be covered here. Peace out, and always watch your back!