Category Archives: Crime

How To Get Rid of a Dead Body (After You Killed Them)

I have tried so many different things for this blog and found it to be very hit or miss. People want information, facts, stats; they want to learn how to do something they don’t have the foggiest notion about. ‘Write what you know’ is what ‘they’ always say. So in that spirit I am going to dedicate this blog to something everyone will need to know at some point in his or her life for various different reasons. Some might have an ‘altercation’ with a prostitute in Vegas, while others may simply need to get rid of a pesky neighbor or ‘loved’ one. So here it is, the definitive guide on How To Get Rid of a Body (after you killed them).
1) Don’t panic. You’ve already committed the crime so the best thing to do is own it. Do you want to get caught and spend the rest of your life getting ass-fucked by a man named Bubba? No, you certainly don’t. So take a deep breath and relax (or that is what Bubba will be telling you right before he…yeah, I didn’t want to finish that sentence either).
2) Check the blood spatter. How far did it go? Remember, a CSI team is going to be tearing your place apart in the next few days so the better you clean up, the better chance you have.
3) Use the best trash bags on the market. Most likely you’re going to have to dismember the body in your bathtub so you can get rid of pieces instead of the entire corpse. The last thing you need is a cheap bag tearing and spilling all over your front sidewalk, alerting your neighbors or that bratty kid who cuts your lawn, the little punk. (Note to self: he’s next!).
4) Always use the correct acid for dissolving bodies. If you get your information from TV, you might want to double-check your facts. Hydrofluoric acid may have been used on Breaking Bad to melt a corpse, but in real life that won’t work. You’ll need something stronger, like sulfuric or hydrochloric acid but if you want you can place the body in a vat consisting of boiling water and lye, just don’t expect all the bones to dissolve. You may have some pieces left over to bury, which leads us to:
5) Bury the body DEEP. If you don’t feel like melting a body in your tub and you can safely get the body somewhere secluded, make sure you dig the hole at least six feet. That will keep animals from digging it up. Shallow graves are cool to joke about but that’s how people get caught!
6) Don’t tell anyone! I know that sounds sort of obvious but most people can’t keep something like this to themselves. They just have to brag! So, if you don’t want to be swapping stories in the prison yard with other felons, just shut yer yap and be glad that you got away with it. One less asshole in your life making you miserable is a whole lot better than nothing!
And so my friends, those are the basics of body removal. There are other steps that may be involved; it all depends upon your situation, each one unique unto itself. Different murders require different methods. In my next blog we’ll discuss useful murder techniques, from stabbing to shooting to bludgeoning it will all be covered here. Peace out, and always watch your back!


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Time For A Crime Spree!

I don’t know about anyone else, but I like to check my spam email because I get a kick out of what’s in there. Why, just today I found out I was wanted in court for charges pending in Aurora, Illinois, Anchorage, Alaska and Raleigh, North Carolina. Wow! I must have blacked out again from a combination of booze and Ambien because firstly I don’t remember flying to those cities nor do I recall perpetrating the crimes (which of course are not mentioned by name, only implied). What I have to do, prior to showing up at my hearing (that will go on in my absence I have been reassured) is download the attached file so that I may have all the proper paperwork in order once I show up. Is that all? Whew! That’s a relief. I was worried you might want some money or something. So, with this in mind, I have some questions:
Question #1: Is this working on anybody? I’ve been getting this type of email now for the last couple of months and am wondering if it is a virus (I’m pretty sure it’s a virus) or the perpetrators have found a way to extort money out of people via this method somehow. You know, like the messages you get from the Prince of Nigeria who has a billion dollars he needs to transfer into your bank account, all he needs is all of your pertinent info and voila! You are rich. Wow, was that easy. I should have done that a long time ago!
Question #2: Why do people waste their time with this shit? Really, you’ve got nothing better to do than to send out computer viruses disguised as phony lottery winnings (I’ve won every kind of lottery you can imagine, from the Google lottery to the Yahoo lottery to the Wells Fargo lottery…man am I lucky! I’m going to buy a Powerball ticket right now!) or some other ridiculous crap. Seriously, if that is your hobby, find another one. I hear making dolls out of earwax is all the rage right now.
Question #3 and final question: How come I keep getting messages from girls who want to give me a massage and then a blowjob but they don’t even say their name, who they are and how they know who I am? And how did they know that the key to my heart (a deep, dark secret that NO ONE could have known about me) is that I am sucker for a massage and a blowjob? Seriously, how could they have known?!?! Its not like I advertised it or something. I also like food and beer, but that’s another secret I don’t tell too many people about.
So there it is, the wide, wide world of the Internet where faceless entities can send ridiculous messages around the world in order to spread computer viruses or try and hack into your bank account. I really wish I had that kind of free time on my hands, I truly do. If I did I could probably come up with a cure for cancer (or write a better blog than this one). At the very least think of a scam of my own that isn’t as silly as telling someone they need to appear in court in some city they don’t live in nor have ever visited (I’ve been to Aurora (hey Bob, how’s the wife and kids?) I DID live in Raleigh but that was in ’93, but I’ve never been to Anchorage (although I did have sex with a girl from anchorage, also in the ‘90’s…maybe she set me up!) Cassandra, wherever you are, I want my Soundgarden CD back! And can we hook up again? You might have heard, I like massages and blowjobs and you were really good at both of those. Ciao!


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