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Category Archives: America

Is Legal Marijuana Dangerous? Let’s Ask The Kids!

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Okay, we have officially become the stupidest nation in the world, or so the media would have us believe. Because I, for one, cannot believe that the kids in the United States think that simply because marijuana is becoming legal in increasingly more states and has been approved for recreational use that it is not dangerous.
Why do I make such an audacious claim? For the reason that that is what many recent articles in print news and on the web are stating: that kids in the United States have been polled and they believe that marijuana isn’t dangerous simply because it is ‘legal’ (parenthesis because that is mostly for medical purposes). I can’t believe kids would be that stupid, because if the children are our future than it ain’t looking very bright. We also have to remember that these kids are buying and using drugs they purchase off the Internet sold as ‘legal highs’. These are the same kids that are smoking synthetic marijuana and snorting chemicals that are approximating cocaine and methamphetamine but are light years more dangerous. So another question is (if the kids truly do believe that marijuana isn’t dangerous) do we trust their opinion? Doesn’t sound like we should, based on all the other drugs they’re doing.
Now, flip that coin and think of all these legal highs, the heroin scourge that is plaguing the United States (not to mention the meth problem) and suddenly marijuana doesn’t seem all that dangerous after all, does it? Maybe these kids are on to (not just on) something. Comparatively a little pot doesn’t seem all that bad if you are prepping a syringe to shoot heroin or meth or cocaine or research chemicals. What would you rather have your kids do, smoke a little pot or snort some chemical they have no idea is yet can be bought from a website for twenty dollars? Do you even need to think of an answer to that? Do you?
We all know the inherent dangers of everything, don’t we? Cheeseburgers will give you bad cholesterol and potentially make you fat…if you eat to many of them. Alcohol will shut down your liver, give you high blood pressure and increase your belly size…if you drink too much. Marijuana will make your reaction time slower, will impair your ability to drive and will seriously put a hurtin’ on the Twinkies in your home at any given time…if you smoke too much. Cigarettes…don’t even get me started on cigarettes.
So, the question remains: do kids really think that marijuana isn’t dangerous simply because it is becoming increasingly legal? Let’s ask them if they think cigarettes are dangerous, or booze or cheeseburgers or Viagra. I’d like to hear what they have to say.
Or maybe the media against the legalization of marijuana (sponsored by the tobacco and alcohol companies no doubt) should do a little more research instead of shouting ‘Fire’ in a crowded theatre during a first run showing of the latest Transformer’s movie because I, for one, still refuse to believe that kids are that fucking stupid. Period.

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Time For A Crime Spree!

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I don’t know about anyone else, but I like to check my spam email because I get a kick out of what’s in there. Why, just today I found out I was wanted in court for charges pending in Aurora, Illinois, Anchorage, Alaska and Raleigh, North Carolina. Wow! I must have blacked out again from a combination of booze and Ambien because firstly I don’t remember flying to those cities nor do I recall perpetrating the crimes (which of course are not mentioned by name, only implied). What I have to do, prior to showing up at my hearing (that will go on in my absence I have been reassured) is download the attached file so that I may have all the proper paperwork in order once I show up. Is that all? Whew! That’s a relief. I was worried you might want some money or something. So, with this in mind, I have some questions:
Question #1: Is this working on anybody? I’ve been getting this type of email now for the last couple of months and am wondering if it is a virus (I’m pretty sure it’s a virus) or the perpetrators have found a way to extort money out of people via this method somehow. You know, like the messages you get from the Prince of Nigeria who has a billion dollars he needs to transfer into your bank account, all he needs is all of your pertinent info and voila! You are rich. Wow, was that easy. I should have done that a long time ago!
Question #2: Why do people waste their time with this shit? Really, you’ve got nothing better to do than to send out computer viruses disguised as phony lottery winnings (I’ve won every kind of lottery you can imagine, from the Google lottery to the Yahoo lottery to the Wells Fargo lottery…man am I lucky! I’m going to buy a Powerball ticket right now!) or some other ridiculous crap. Seriously, if that is your hobby, find another one. I hear making dolls out of earwax is all the rage right now.
Question #3 and final question: How come I keep getting messages from girls who want to give me a massage and then a blowjob but they don’t even say their name, who they are and how they know who I am? And how did they know that the key to my heart (a deep, dark secret that NO ONE could have known about me) is that I am sucker for a massage and a blowjob? Seriously, how could they have known?!?! Its not like I advertised it or something. I also like food and beer, but that’s another secret I don’t tell too many people about.
So there it is, the wide, wide world of the Internet where faceless entities can send ridiculous messages around the world in order to spread computer viruses or try and hack into your bank account. I really wish I had that kind of free time on my hands, I truly do. If I did I could probably come up with a cure for cancer (or write a better blog than this one). At the very least think of a scam of my own that isn’t as silly as telling someone they need to appear in court in some city they don’t live in nor have ever visited (I’ve been to Aurora (hey Bob, how’s the wife and kids?) I DID live in Raleigh but that was in ’93, but I’ve never been to Anchorage (although I did have sex with a girl from anchorage, also in the ‘90’s…maybe she set me up!) Cassandra, wherever you are, I want my Soundgarden CD back! And can we hook up again? You might have heard, I like massages and blowjobs and you were really good at both of those. Ciao!

 

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Vegas On A Budget or Surviving The Circus Circus

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“We do this for tips, you know,” the Jack Nicholson impersonator said to me as I put an arm around him and leaned in close for a snapshot.
“I know,” I replied, handing him a crumpled dollar. And I smiled for the camera, trying my best not to look too drunk. My hosts, a couple of savvy spendthrifts in their own right, were taking me on the budget tour of Vegas, from crummy crack hotels in neighborhoods littered with the refuse of discarded humanity to the towering heights of the Stratosphere in which we gained free entrance to the top to ride the Big Shot, and stopping off at many sorted places in between such as a tattoo parlor boasting $13.00 Friday the Thirteenth themed tattoos and the Belagio for free Mojitos. As my buddy snapped the photo I belched and tasted French fries. At least that was better than tasting vomit.
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Our excursion started at four thirty on a Tuesday afternoon when they picked me up at the Las Vegas airport. We proceeded immediately to the aforementioned crack house they were presently occupying (only $195.00 a week!) and drank most of a bottle of vodka while sketching out our plans for the next three days. In a drunken haze we determined we’d mostly wing it, but much to my relief they’d booked a room for two nights at the Circus Circus. As it stood, that first night I’d be sleeping on the floor. The following two nights I’d at least have a bed, even if I didn’t get much sleep in it (not what you think; I am a lousy sleeper).
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The next morning was met with a pounding headache and sinuses (thanks to a cold I’d picked up two days before the trip) and in a daze I showered and shaved, anxiously awaiting better digs. I didn’t have to wait long. We checked into the Circus Circus and after dumping off our things we made our way to the lobby floor to hit the slots.
“We never pay for drinks,” Amir told me as we walked out into the mild winter sunshine to hit the Circus Arcade. “You sit at a slot machine, put in a buck, then wave over the waitress for a cocktail. Drinks are free as long as you are gambling.”
The trick for me became how long I could make a dollar last. By winning twenty-five to fifty cents here and there I found I could get about three beers off a buck. And to keep the waitress coming around my friends and I would take turns tipping her. As long as she was making a few frogs it was worth her time.
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We whiled away a lot of time doing that, but in between we realized there had to be other activities to make this trip memorable. Since the three of us weren’t exactly what you would call ‘rolling’ we priced out shows until we found one for ten bucks apiece. It was a comedy club in the Riviera, which was perfect because it was right across the street from the Circus Circus. At all costs we did not want to drive, not with how heavily we were drinking. The show was a hoot, presented by two comedians whose names I now forget (I think one of them had the last name ‘Bizarre’, but I could be wrong) in which a drunk girl from the crowd was incorporated to our ensuing hilarity. This chick was either a plant or a total random score for these comedians. After the show we ended the night at the slots, drinking ourselves silly while losing pennies.
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The next day we started by walking from the Circus Circus to the Belagio and drinking our way back through the casinos. The photographs accompanying this post adequately show our drunken procession from one end of the strip to the other. Suffice it to say I’ll let them tell the tale. Our walk ended at the Stratosphere where Amir showed us how to get to the top for free and avoid the $18.00 charge: take the elevator that leads to the cocktail lounge (under the guise that that is your intended destination) and when you are let off the elevator just wait a few minutes and then take the stairs up to the top floor to the viewing platform and the rides. We rode the Big Shot (a wonderful contraption that catapults you two hundred feet into the air where you experience zero gravity before it rapidly descends and then hydraulics bounce you up and down a time or two for a giddy extra thrill). Upon its completion we used a coupon on the ticket to get a five-dollar slab of pizza and a large beer. Good times. We then drank our way back to the hotel and I ended the night with a tallboy of Miller High Life purchased for ninety-seven cents at a convenience store.
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The next day’s highlights can be summed up as such: 18 holes of mini golf at the official Kiss mini golf course (using a half off coupon it was only six bucks apiece); lunch at the Hard Rock Café (the gambler’s special which is only $7.77) and a tour; a mid-day showing of the latest Hobbit movie in 3D (had trouble staying awake after two nights of lousy booze sleep) and then a $13.00 dollar tattoo from a parlor that just opened (I got Charles Manson and my buddy got $6.66). And in-between all of these shenanigans we did the usual: played slots for free drinks
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The last night we spent in the crack hotel, me sleeping on the floor again, but after all the partying I got the best night of sleep I’d had in days. The next morning I awoke refreshed and after serving me pancakes my buddy and his wife took me to the airport where they went the extra mile and accompanied me inside. They had a reason, of course: one last bet on an airport slot. Throughout my visit his wife Aline had been winning ten and fifteen dollar bets (maybe even the occasional twenty) and at the airport she went one further and managed to coax $80.00 out of a machine. Lucky them.
It was a whirlwind of an adventure (as the pictures readily indicate) and I won’t soon forget our exploits there on the Las Vegas Strip.

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Green Bay Packers Go Down In Flames! Or, Who Will Be The Next Quarterback?

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Can Green Bay survive this season and make it into the playoffs? That is a very good question! Their depth chart has obviously been challenged with all the injuries the team has sustained over the last eight weeks. At one point it seemed as if they were simply dropping like flies: James Jones, Randall Cobb, Jermichael Finely, Evan-Dietrich Smith, Johnny Jolly, Nick Perry and Clay Mathews just to name a few. And then the star quarterback Aaron Rodgers eats the turf and goes out, and the very next week his back-up Seneca Wallace pulls his groin (I pull mine all the time yet still remain in the game; go figure!) and ends his season. Holy crap it sounds like the trailer for a bad movie about replacement players. ‘When all the first-string players go down, who’ll be left to pick up the pieces?’ And then they’ll show a bunch of actors like Rob Schneider, Adam Sandler and all the other dudes that star in their movies. ‘Who will save them now?’
In Green Bay the fine folks are hoping to go five and seven before Mr. Rodgers makes his way back into the neighborhood, figuring if he can return by the Thanksgiving game against Detroit the season can be salvaged. Maybe they can get in with a wild card, depending how the season plays out. As a rabid fan I can only hope the same. There isn’t a lot of faith in the third string guy, Scott Tolzien, even though he led the Wisconsin Badgers to many a victory during his stint in Madison. Thing is, though, he lost out to another quarterback who replaced him, some guy named Russell Wilson who took the Badgers to the Rose Bowl. They lost, but it earned him a starting position at the Seattle Seahawks, beating out another Wisconsin/Green Bay alumni Matt Flynn. Hi Ho!
I am saying all this from a very unique perspective: I am presently staying in Green Bay. Why would I be hanging out in this mill town/slash football Heaven? Good question, one that I am not going to answer suffice it to say I will be departing next week and on to greener (ha!) pastures. My stay here has been interesting to say the very least, tedious and somewhat boring if I want to sound like an asshole, but the fine folks of this quaint little town have been more than generous, in their deer hunting, gun hoarding, binge drinking, racial slur spewing sort of way. Yes, this is the hallowed ground of the legends of Frozen Tundra lore, the kind of gridiron stories that inspire movies and books about muscle bound gods who attack one another viciously all in the name of fair play, where the name Vince Lombardi comes up at least several times a day in any manner of conversation. In fact, I am staying off of Lombardi Avenue, a mere mile or so from the stadium. In just about any place in this town you can see the stadium, a neon monolith that the Brett Farve era Packers helped transform from the once modest arena (replete with aluminum benches to keep your tush cold in the winter) to one of the largest sports venues in the United States. Sacred ground, Titletown, all that happy crap that I was so excited about when I lived far, far away from this desolate, backwater burg. Somehow it seemed much cooler to be a fan when I didn’t live here; now I am just one of many who refers to the team as such: “We kicked their ass last week!” or “We’re going to the Superbowl!” as if the citizens are actually part of the team, an extension, the fifty-third man so to speak. Yet in a town where the city does own the team I suppose one can say that as they do have some sort of say, even if no one in management listens to a word. Just ask Ted Thompson what he thinks of Joe Jerk-offs opinion. Ted would probably mutter “Go to hell” if you suggested back during pre-season that it wasn’t a good idea to get rid of Graham Harrell or BJ Coleman, the thought being that Aaron Rodgers (despite his almost inhuman feats on the field) might sustain some type of injury that led to needing a back-up. Seneca Wallace? we all thought. Why the hell would they want that geezer out there? He practically needs a walker for Christ’s sake. Does he even have any of his original teeth left?
Yet I digress. And I haven’t even touched upon the poor play of the defense, who’ve allowed far more points than I’d care to mention (I’d have to look up the stat and I don’t feel like it) and haven’t been able to make any plays on the ball worth mentioning (forced turnovers, etc), although AJ Hawk has been looking alive out there, not to mention Mr. Jolly, BJ Raji and to a certain extent Sam Shields, although he has blown several key plays, most noticeably during the Monday Night Football debacle against the Bears and their six foot seven receivers. Holy man…
Is the season going to be a wash? Can Green Bay arise from the ashes and make a play-off berth? Will they continue to lose first-string players, continuously testing the depth of their second and third string players? Will Green Bay ever renounce its love of killing Bambi’s mother, father, cousins and distant relatives? Will the fans ever admit how much they love chanting John Kuhn’s name simply because they adore being given a free break on saying the word Kuhn (pronounced coon) all together in the mostly white somewhat ethnically challenged town? Some of these questions may never be answered, but the season will play itself out as it may, and in the end it is just a game, a game that generates more revenue than I’ll ever be able to conceive of in my lifetime. Be that as it may, I’ll still be watching because, what the hell, I love football and I love the Green Bay Packers. Go Pack!

 

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