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Monthly Archives: April 2014

Time For A Crime Spree!

k11003119
I don’t know about anyone else, but I like to check my spam email because I get a kick out of what’s in there. Why, just today I found out I was wanted in court for charges pending in Aurora, Illinois, Anchorage, Alaska and Raleigh, North Carolina. Wow! I must have blacked out again from a combination of booze and Ambien because firstly I don’t remember flying to those cities nor do I recall perpetrating the crimes (which of course are not mentioned by name, only implied). What I have to do, prior to showing up at my hearing (that will go on in my absence I have been reassured) is download the attached file so that I may have all the proper paperwork in order once I show up. Is that all? Whew! That’s a relief. I was worried you might want some money or something. So, with this in mind, I have some questions:
Question #1: Is this working on anybody? I’ve been getting this type of email now for the last couple of months and am wondering if it is a virus (I’m pretty sure it’s a virus) or the perpetrators have found a way to extort money out of people via this method somehow. You know, like the messages you get from the Prince of Nigeria who has a billion dollars he needs to transfer into your bank account, all he needs is all of your pertinent info and voila! You are rich. Wow, was that easy. I should have done that a long time ago!
Question #2: Why do people waste their time with this shit? Really, you’ve got nothing better to do than to send out computer viruses disguised as phony lottery winnings (I’ve won every kind of lottery you can imagine, from the Google lottery to the Yahoo lottery to the Wells Fargo lottery…man am I lucky! I’m going to buy a Powerball ticket right now!) or some other ridiculous crap. Seriously, if that is your hobby, find another one. I hear making dolls out of earwax is all the rage right now.
Question #3 and final question: How come I keep getting messages from girls who want to give me a massage and then a blowjob but they don’t even say their name, who they are and how they know who I am? And how did they know that the key to my heart (a deep, dark secret that NO ONE could have known about me) is that I am sucker for a massage and a blowjob? Seriously, how could they have known?!?! Its not like I advertised it or something. I also like food and beer, but that’s another secret I don’t tell too many people about.
So there it is, the wide, wide world of the Internet where faceless entities can send ridiculous messages around the world in order to spread computer viruses or try and hack into your bank account. I really wish I had that kind of free time on my hands, I truly do. If I did I could probably come up with a cure for cancer (or write a better blog than this one). At the very least think of a scam of my own that isn’t as silly as telling someone they need to appear in court in some city they don’t live in nor have ever visited (I’ve been to Aurora (hey Bob, how’s the wife and kids?) I DID live in Raleigh but that was in ’93, but I’ve never been to Anchorage (although I did have sex with a girl from anchorage, also in the ‘90’s…maybe she set me up!) Cassandra, wherever you are, I want my Soundgarden CD back! And can we hook up again? You might have heard, I like massages and blowjobs and you were really good at both of those. Ciao!

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