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Monthly Archives: October 2013

Let’s Burn This Motherf*cker Down (The death of America)

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I find that as the months pass I continue to disregard this blogs original intention, which was true stories of my pet sitting follies. Those pet sitting days are long behind me now, and so I will have to strive to make this blog more entertaining, will have to produce content that is fresh and exciting. How? Good question, but here goes…let’s start with capitalism, shall we?
I believe the infrastructure of this country is being ripped apart, that rampant consumerism drives all our desires and as individuals we are no longer anything more than a statistic, a ‘key demographic’ to some advertising agency’s bottom line. We are faceless numbers who can be pushed and swayed and brainwashed to buy crap we don’t need to fill that infinite hole in our lives created by fear, boredom, rejection, etc. We buy our children the latest toy (some absurd plush creature that appears just before holidays to rampantly devour our paychecks), rush out to see the trendy blockbuster movies with the brainless star and starlet, and the burning question that rings through our minds like good, obedient robots is: “What does the fox say?” Mindless jingles, shallow beliefs, blind greed…the American Way. Cynical enough for you? I’m just getting started!
And the joke that we, the American people, are on the international stage because of the idiots we’ve elected to lead us surely compounds our no doubt less than stellar approval rating worldwide. We make fun of the Germans for their fetishistic ‘poop porn’ and that whole ‘Nazi Thing’ when we should shut our yaps and realize we Americans live in a shrink-wrapped, disposable, would-you-like-fries-with-that world. Who the hell are we to judge? In the background I can hear Homer Simpson chanting “USA! USA! USA!”
How many other countries can boast that their government has shut down (shut down for Christ’s sake! CLOSED FOR BUSINESS!) more than three times in the last two years? You think Sweden has that problem? Canada? Mexico? (Okay, they are probably taking a decades long siesta, but you know what I mean). The heavy hitters in charge of running this place simply decided they weren’t being paid enough to show up every day so they figured they’d take a long lunch, put a Gone Fishin’ sign up and take a stroll through Washington’s red light district in search of a little relief on the taxpayers dime. And why not? Who are we, the honest (well, sort of) middle class to question what somebody who makes six figures does? Where schoolteachers are paid less than a quarter of what a congressman makes in a year (I believe the children are the future, teach them well and let them exploit each other). Did you know senators and congressman get a six-figure salary for life after they retire and in Wisconsin Governor Scott ‘Ass-Breath’ Walker wants to take away firemen and police officers pensions after they so generously gave the better part of their lives to ensure their community’s safety on a salary that is deplorable at best? You bet your ass he does! And the thing is it will probably happen!
(Note to any potential readers: I am deliberately making inflammatory statements to rile people up. Send hate letters to p.o. box eat my fucking shit, fuck you, Pennsyl-fucking-vania).
Yes, we live in a country that is becoming the modern equivalent of Ancient Rome. This government cannot continue to work like this; mark my words we will fall. To quote Jim Morrison: ‘I just want to get my kicks before the whole shithouse goes up in flames.’ Truer words were never spoken. Here is my advice: 1) buy a lot of guns, 2) start growing weed and 3) tell everyone to kiss your ass. Thank you, thank you very much, I’ll be here performing for you all week…

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Posted by on October 26, 2013 in ads, douchebags, wealthy people

 

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Happy One Year Anniversary!

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Today marks the one-year anniversary of this blog’s inception, and as I made my way through the day I thought I was going to post a nasty, sarcastic, scathing tribute. I’ve relocated from beautiful, sunny, San Diego to cold, rainy, snowy, cold (did I say that twice? Yes, yes I did) Wisconsin for starters, leaving behind a life I miss just about every day. There were many reasons for this move, but none of them seem very good when staring down the barrel of a Midwest winter. And while sitting in my car at a gas station this morning (aggravated, grouchy, out of sorts) my doors automatically locked and when I opened the door the car alarm went off and I couldn’t shut it off. The gas station attendant and his two teeth thought I done had sumthin’ wrong wit me. Then I took the wrong highway and wound up in some cow pasture, trying to get from Whitewater to Madison. Returning to Madison, my GPS lead me to a highway with a bridge out and refused to take orders otherwise to direct me around it. All of this happened after visiting one of my sister’s, a weekend involving a lot of outside activities in forty-degree temperatures and rain. It was no wonder two of her children were sick, I’d thought sarcastically, watching as she made a homemade apple pie while her youngest child continued to hack her lungs out into the batter no matter how many times my sister told her to ‘cover her mouth’. And the auction we attended left plenty to be desired; I told her quite frankly that if this were merely five years ago I would have been giving her ten shades of crap about this ridiculous, redneck activity that her husband (a very nice fellow, by the way) adored so much. In my opinion they couldn’t give that junk away, much less sell it, yet they did. Yes, it was with all this in mind that I was going to write an absolutely wretched piece that would involve nothing but insults and bitching about small towns and the inbred people who inhabit them, not to mention the Midwest, Wisconsin in particular.
But instead I am not going to do that, and here is why: I just read somebody else’s blog post (bluestockings19) and it was such a positive, uplifting message that I’d feel like a douchebag in comparison. I called off the dogs, so to speak, and am instead going to give thanks for my wonderful family and all the things about them that I enjoy and love. For anyone who reads this blog because of my narcissistic, supercilious, often downright haughty nature I most sincerely apologize for the turn of heart and assure you it won’t last. Everything still sucks and I am a grouch who wishes his debut novel The Gyre Mission: Journey to the *sshole of the World would sell so I can thumb my nose at decent society, trust me.
Be that as it may, thank you to anyone who has read, ‘liked’, or followed this blog. You have certainly made my year. Peace.

 

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2013 Frankfort Book Fair, y’all!

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This blog has been about many things over the last year ever since it’s inception: funny and tragic pet sitting stories, personal health issues, rants about bad California drivers, crappy, crazy jobs I’ve had, classic alcoholic writers, pissing and moaning about moving from the west coast back to the Midwest…I’ve covered a lot of ground since I’ve been writing this. The blog was started because of a suggestion made by Penny Sansevieri, CEO of Author Marketing Experts, a literary promotional company. She told me it would be a great way to promote my novel The Gyre Mission: Journey to the *sshole of the World. But the thing is, I’d never quite understood what people read blogs for, and found that the different subject matter I touched upon was hit or miss. Looking around throughout the blog world, I found people wanted sports and news and politics and hard facts, not necessarily silly stories about animals or being inappropriately wasted in a Von’s grocery store and getting into it with the guy outside collecting money for the Salvation Army, subsequently arrested and then getting anally raped in jail by a six foot six black man named Michael Jackson. But be that as it may, I am pressing on. I suppose I could make this entry a rant about how hard it is to push a self-published book to a saturated market where traditionally published authors are fighting to gain ground, about how much money I’ve spent and seen no return on my investment (over $12,000 and counting), or how my novel is actually well written over that of the 299,000 other crappy self-published authors who are churning out zombie novels at a pace that is beyond ridiculous (anyone ever hear of Dave Moody? Hater’s and then his Autumn zombie series? Jesus Christ give me a fucking break (parenthesis within a parenthesis he is NOT self-published)!). Yes, I could go on and on and you (all of my three readers) would think that I am jealous, that I am a bad writer who is blowing off steam making fun of authors who make it onto the bestseller list and don’t have to pay to publish their own work. The fact is you might be right.
So I’ll switch gears here and talk about my latest attempt at publicity: I have my book registered and being presented both in soft cover and ebook at the 2013 Frankfort Book Fair, the largest literary event in the known universe. Folks from all over the world (over 300,000, a quarter of them members of the media) gather in Frankfort, Germany to see what the latest and greatest trends in literature are. Who’s going to be the next Stephen King, the next J.K. Rowling? Inquiring minds want to know! Even better, what the hell are those two promoting as we speak (a sequel to The Shining and a thriller, respectively)? Yes, all in all a bonafide HUGE ASS event in which my novel will be stacked amongst thousands of others in the Combined Book Exhibit bookshelves, vying for attention both in print and digital copy. And will I get any attention, this absolutely fantastic book that has so far been virtually ignored? A novel Kirkus Indie reviews called ‘Visually engaging, an irrefutably intoxicating adventure’ and ‘one big, bad-ass book’ by Kat of Bibliobabes.ca, not to mention many readers on Goodreads and Amazon.com. Every time I do a free give away I run out well before the posted closing (but I am not stupid; I’ve found SEVERAL copies immediately for sale on Amazon, listed as ‘autographed’…fucking pricks).
As no one is clamoring for this blog I can say whatever I want here. I can cuss and scream and shout and call you all a bunch of pussy faggots for not buying my book and it doesn’t matter (although I do apologize to my three readers; I am not talking about you). Because in a world full of books we, the unknowns, can only keep competing for your attention and hoping that we eventually get it. That one day it will click and you’ll say to yourself: “Holy shit! His autobiographical stuff is like David Sedaris and his horror fiction is like Stephen King. I love those fucking writers! Where have you been all of my life?”
And the answer would be: right here, sitting in front of this fucking laptop and begging you cocksuckers to at least read a free excerpt (available on my website http://www.edgarswamp.com or at Bookbuzzr (also known as Freado) or on Goodreads). It is literally everywhere. If you looked hard enough you’d find the whole copy for free somewhere (don’t ask me where, but I know it’s out there. I do a lot of stupid things when I’m drunk, just ask my neurologist).
But readers don’t want good books, they want tired crap churned out by hacks who need money to buy fourth homes in Stockholm, Sweden where they can hide inside by the fire and secretly burn journals they kept while in community college in Andover, Michigan where they had unprotected sex with minors and never got caught because their parents where on the board of review and the city council…
Yet I digress. My book is at the 2013 Frankfort Book Fair in Frankfort, Germany where I hope someone fucking sees it and picks it up, flips through it and reads something that catches their eye (if indeed I haven’t been scammed by Combined Book Exhibits and the book isn’t really there). And then maybe they’ll contact me through my website and ask to see my next book, ‘Denied’, a futuristic take on the American health care system (available in paper back and ebook in April of 2014). And soon enough people will be willing to pay to read this fucking blog but I’ll continue to give it away for free because I’m such a nice guy. Really, honest. Trust me…and buy my fucking book ($2.99 ebook for fuck’s sake available through Amazon.com). Thank you (and sorry to my three readers!).

 

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